United Methodist Cabinet Battle #3

A Methodist Parody of “Cabinet Battle #3” song found on Lin Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton Mixtape. You can listen to the original here.

United Methodist Cabinet Battle #3

[Moderator Bishop Washington]
The issue on the table: a petition from the Queer Clergy Caucus calling on us, the Commission On a Way Forward, to end the LGBTQ ban and abolish heterosexism in all its forms. This petition was approved and forwarded by 200 active clergy, it cannot go ignored. If this comes to a vote at General Conference, what is the Commission’s position? Reverend Jefferson, you first. Tread lightly…

[Rev. Jefferson]
Madam Bishop,
The Discipline clearly states
That the Gays have to wait
Until they divorce their spouse, their lifemate,
to get on the ordination track we laid.
And whether or not you want it, guys
That is the final compromise we made

[Mr. Hamilton]
Bishop, wait-

[Rev. Jefferson]
But for a second let us say that we can legislate
Gay emancipation, freedom reigns, and yes, it’s great
We cannot cure prejudice or righteous, desperate hate
So keep sending the Gays to Anglicanism or do they get a Methodist state?
In 2016, we tried to float gay equality in the Church
The Legislation didn’t get a majority vote
Antigay animus is in, the WCA’s growing like a cancer
But we can’t address the question if we do not have a viable answer

[Mr. Hamilton]
Is it my turn? Good.
The Commission is packed with promise makers
Do you realize the precious time these members wasted?
Not sending a pro-gay plan only multiplies our troubles
Especially with Millennials, as their population doubles
You all know
This is the stain on our soul and ecclesiology
Open Hearts, Minds, Doors? No, they’re not, it’s hypocrisy
To subjugate, dehumanize the gays, call ’em abominations,
And say that we are powerless to stop Wesleyan Covenant machinations?
Bishop, even you, your church kids include hundreds of Gays
Who will curse the church’s name before we’re safe in our graves
How will the churches find leaders for their choirs?
How will the IRD find their next college hires?

[Rev. Jefferson]
How dare you!

[Mr. Hamilton]
Yet still, people follow the WCA like lemmings
Their smiling and marketing, while they’re scheming and condemning.

[Moderator Bishop Washington]
That’s enough

[Mr. Hamilton]
Well you asked how I feel,
I don’t pretend to know a viable answer, but the question is real

[Rev. Dr. Madison]
If I may, Madam Bishop?

[Moderator Bishop Washington]
Madison?

[Rev. Dr. Madison]
Let’s go and put three plans in the lineup
First of all, we won’t send a pro-gay plan like this,
Imagine this debate with all General Conference, it’s ruinous!
We’ll send a Connectional Conference Plan, divide us in three this year,
And a Traditionalist one
That tightens the screws and trafficks in fear.
Last we’ll send One Church, out of the three, it’s first
Letting some live into their best, others to their worst.
Once GC passes one of them, I’ll pick up a pen
And introduce a motion never to discuss this “issue” again

[Mr. Hamilton]
Madam Bishop!

[Rev. Dr. Madison]
Hamilton, if we support queer emancipation
Every single schismatic will demand compensation
And as for slandering Jefferson with critiques of reaching Millennials
You are in the Western Jurisdiction—
Do you really wanna have that conversation?

[Mr. Hamilton]
….No.

[Moderator Bishop Washington]
Madison, execute your Three Plans to the letter
Let’s hope the next generation thinks of something better

===

Your Turn

Cabinet Battle #3 originally is about a Quaker request to abolish slavery, and the Washington cabinet deciding to delay action until the future date, trying the middle way to appease both parties. It seemed an appropriate parallel to The United Methodist Church right now as it seeks to navigate another temporary social atrocity: its opposition to LGBTQ persons full inclusion in the Church.

Thoughts?

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